My story - so far…

This journey started somewhere in 2019 where I had checked a lot of the boxes in life. I had a great job. I lived in and still do in the Bay Area here in California, not far from San Francisco. I was married to my soulmate who I met back in undergrad and a young daughter. I achieved my goals, I manifested my dream life, or so I thought, and yet I was feeling so lost and unsettled and like why is my life like this? 

Working really really long hours, feeling so trapped in my life between taking care of my daughter and feeling like I don't even know how to do this and what am I doing and am I doing a good enough job? And feeling the same way at work and having to listen to different partners in my consulting firm and having to work on even a long weekend with a festival like Diwali. 

I still remember it to this day, where I was sitting at the dining table and finalizing a presentation and hoping to finish things up, so that I can finally get to doing something for my home and to celebrate and whatever little way feels good to me, and then having to sit and talk to my then boss, getting feedback on the deck and all right, now I have to update it further

And it wasn't this. I think some part of me was like all right, if I do all of this, then I will feel good because I'll get all the praise and love that I deserve and I need. And it was such an externally oriented way of living and it was depleting me so much because I had no internal resources to lean on - just knowing and trusting that I can make a decision for me. I can go out for a walk for five minutes and truly trust myself.

Instead, I was always scanning my environment to take care of others. This I would call a very codependent mentality of - let me please others and take care of others - and from that place, somehow I would be taken care of and my needs would be taken care of. 

And I quickly realized from many rounds of burnout at work, as well as especially hitting that point with trying to be a parent too for the first time that I couldn't keep living like that. And so it really got me to this place of wanting to shift things, thinking I can't live like this, and I was spending nights on my phone scrolling, trying to find the next thing to read, the next podcast listen to, to give me some comfort, some solace, some relief from the stress of taking care of everything else around me and to somehow receive something for me. 

And I remember, through all of that exploration, coming across different breadcrumbs. I listened to Sadguru’s inner engineering online course that he happened to give away for free that year. And I think that was just one way to start to listen to a more quieter, wiser voice within me.

So I was feeling oh-so-trapped and feeling oh-so-stuck and for this first time truly trusting that, okay, I can shift this and I can change it. And it was me making a very powerful decision in that moment that I don't want to keep living like this and I don't want to get promoted to partner in my firm. Which is this goal that I kept thinking? Oh, and I would feel so recognized and seen and what an achievement that would be. And realizing that was not my goal but someone else's. So, from that space, I made a few decisions. I chose to go to a retreat by the lovely and amazing Christine Hassler, and that was a really big step for myself to say, I'm going to take a few days away from work. I am going to take a few days away from my two-year old and my family and invest a couple of grand which was a lot of money to decide just for me for this retreat.

And I also went ahead and got a past life regression, which I had read so much about past lives up until that point, and it was the most magical thing that I had come across at that time, and I'd been reading it at least for seven years, maybe even 10 years. It was a topic that fascinated me and many, many steps from there led to me getting to this place of discovering wow. I don't just want to step away from my day job and become a coach, which I'd found was something I was so naturally gifted at, that felt easy, that felt fun and playful and felt like I was truly helping others. 

But to me it led unexpectedly to - wow. I love to meditate and it looks like I can even channel and be this psychic. It just happened in these unexpected ways and steps where every time I just chose something that felt fun and playful and many times came with this layer of fear, or I would say it felt like 'the scaries' is how I want to label it. It's like, oh, I feel like the blood kind of draining away, like can I really do this? And to trust that, in that space of tension, leaning into what felt like a yes for me deep down made me have to do some hard things to say no to others always led me to the space. And so I'm now in this really interesting spot where I thought, oh, and now I found my soul purpose and I think I know who I want to be as an adult here, well, into my mid and probably past that now 30s, doing the math, as I just had my birthday recently, and yet my day job is here, and yet all the pressures of being a parent and having to fund my busy, expensive life here in California are so present.

And some parts of me thought, well, now that I've discovered who I am deep down, through my past lives, through my Akashic Records, through my astrology and human design, like all the things that are not aligned for me would just melt away with ease and my new life would be here. I'd have a business making all this money helping people, and that's not true, and it's so not my life right now. And it has taken a while to grieve where I'm at and acknowledge that I can be here and it may not feel great many times, and I can still hold the space for my dream future. I can step away from my job where even in less than 15-20 minutes, I have to start reviewing some PowerPoint presentations and prepare for a bunch of meetings and interviews, and they light up some intellectual parts of me. They feel like they lean on parts of me that have a lot of practice. That all right.

I’m experienced here and I know I can earn money for doing these things and I can feel like I've added value to people or businesses pharma companies with whom I work right now and, at the same time, trusting that my future self is meeting me where I'm at today, that I can lean in wherever I can find the gaps in space, while also allowing for rest and play, but also to serve people, to help them discover more of who they are deep down, to help them see that their soul is a real thing, or whatever they choose to call it, within themselves. I so want that and I'm in this. It's like this tightrope experience of walking away from the old and stepping into the new and not knowing exactly where I am in the journey because I can't see either side and I have to be so focused on staying where I am and balancing. And so I share all that with you as a declaration of where I am today and what I stand for. I stand for that we all can connect to this energy that is beyond us, our souls, that we have guides that are working with us, as I call them.

if you are in the space where you've experienced these fractures within yourself of things not quite working the way you hoped, that you don't trust parts of you. Know and believe that this life journey is in front of you for you to rekindle the spark and to rebuild those connections. That's what I hope for us all that we feel that connection to all these parts of us and we can be in relation with it all, like I can relate to my future self running my beautiful soul-led business where I help people and I help them connect with more of themselves and maybe their businesses, maybe their true purpose, maybe parts of themselves that they've lost from childhood or past lives. That is my hope and dream to live into and I trust that it's coming to me in some way, even when I have these late nights taking care of a sick kid or having to navigate so many things at work that cause stress and tension, like, oh, and we have to win this project in order to keep people busy, and then come home to my husband figuring out stress at his job and life as well.

Next, I have an energetic conversation with someone at work with their highest self's permission and say, hey, like this is feeling tricky in the project right now, how can we resolve this? And maybe taking a moment to open up the Records to channel some ideas for the future of healthcare and oncology, which is something that I'm working on right now at work. And so these are ways that I'm trying really hard at work to bring more of my magical me in and even at home, as I've been dealing with a sick family over the last weekend or so to channel and see if there are messages for them, to bring a few crystals and send them some healing. And sometimes my magic is just giving my daughter a hug and some warm water to drink and calling in my guides and saying, okay, help us through the day, because she's refusing to eat this and I'm being forced to give her a bunch of screen time and like, help me, soothe the guilt I have around that.